the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
