I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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