I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize