Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
