My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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