It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
