god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
COCAINE IS GR8
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