I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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