so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
