you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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