Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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