I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize