I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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