Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
