I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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