Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
