Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
