But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
