If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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