Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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