yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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