Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
