Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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