Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
