WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Randomize