Is it normal to miss your booty call?
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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