Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
