So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
