At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I enjoy the company of your penis
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
