Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
