I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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