I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
