Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize