tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
