i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
