I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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