What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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