The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
