remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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