good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
