My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
