hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize