I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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