i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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