what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I could make wine with my vomit
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize