I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
