I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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