What a fucking waste of an outfit
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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