for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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