Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
