what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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