New invention idea: vibrating tampons
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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