I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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