I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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