you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
