i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Sext me about skeletons
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
