Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
