I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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