My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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