it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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