Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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