i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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