One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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