i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
